marmalade dreaming

Thursday, July 31, 2003

i have a memory like a sift. there were so many things i was supposed to do yesterday that i totally forgot about. bother. how is it that you can forget some things so ridiculously easily, yet remember totally obscure and unnecessary details about things you don't think about remembering?? it's whacked i tell you. i always remember things i don't need to. and the most obvious - and useful - things just slip out of my mind completely. it's annoying, and can seem especially rude when you have to ask someone their name again after only hearing it a second ago, or have to ask someone to repeat everything they just said because you've already forgotten. and the time! oh the time. i haven't been wearing my watch for a while now as i'm allergic to it or something, but so many times i used to look at my watch, look up again, then when somebody asked me the time, i wouldn't have a clue. oh dear.

"you've seen me at my worst...and it won't be the last time i'm down there" - crowded house

Monday, July 28, 2003

sometimes it really scares me that i have no idea what i'm going to be doing in 10 years time. or 5 years time. heck, or even next year. some people just seem to have such clear direction as to exactly where they'd like to be, exactly what they'd like to be doing. but i don't think that's most people. about 5 years ago i remember having some definite plans; i was going to study interior decoration, then become a flight attendant for a few of years, then after travelling i'd get married and be an interior decorator. so much has changed in that short time! i feel silly telling people i'm doing arts at uni, because it's the type of thing i would have looked down upon as being wasteful and indecisive. and maybe it is. maybe i am. i just can't see myself doing any job. there's no field of work that actually interests me. aside from the whole performing arts thing. but that seems so impractical sometimes. not that impracticality has ever worried me before!! and maybe it doesn't's scary is all. i would much rather be satisfied emotionally rather than financially, i don't think there's any question there. maybe it's other people's opinions that worry me. or maybe it's something else. it's funny - although i'm craving for something crazy and challenging, actually being presented with it sometimes makes me want to crawl away and hide under an umbrella. oh but i don't want to do good things. i want to do amazing things. and i don't see why any of us shouldn't do amazing things, as i don't see why God would have it any other way. of course, "amazing" doesn't have to mean curing aids or becoming a famous speaker. it just means extraordinary. extra ordinary. why would we live an ordinary life. why would anybody want to. i know i don't. but i guess i just......oh i guess i just worry too much. i worry because the things i'm passionate about are the things that seem so unattainable and so insecure and so improbable. then again, there's the whole 'inadequate' thing that i wrote about the other day. but - oh this is going nowhere. i'm not making sense.

heck, that got personal (and confusing!). i'll balance it out with something simple and i had pancakes for lunch.

"i'm only this far...and only tomorrow leads my way" - dave matthews band

i think it's funny how you can discover time. by either going to bed at an absurd hour, or waking up at an even more absurd hour, you can discover hours and minutes you never knew existed. and to think that we spend so much of that time sleeping. actually the whole concept of time is really quite strange when you over-analyse it, which i have (hey, i'm a girl). it just goes on and on. it's the one resource that every human being has equally, though what they're able to achieve in that time differs heaps. in a sense it's out of everybody's control. then again, we've also just taken it upon ourselves to declare things like daylight saving, where we actually change the time. then there's time zones - i think it's hilarious that you can actually travel back in time when you're travelling. "oh, it's my birthday. i'm 19. oh - no i'm not, i'm 18 again. oopsie daisys."

(i've just realised how shockingly boring and ridiculous that whole paragraph was. i was going to delete it, but then decided i wouldn't, i mean if i only included things that were worth reading, then i wouldn't have a blog.)

(and there's more...but it's about 'spiritual' things, so it must be ok)

tonight i was reminded of how feeling inadequate can be a good thing. maybe it's always a good thing. it means you can't depend on yourself. and maybe it's only then, when we're reaching all over the place frantically discovering that there's nothing to hold onto, that we realise that God's actually the one holding onto us, and that if we'd just stop kicking and screaming and complaining about how we can't do something, that he could take us for a spin. (a spin?! heck. i'm tired.)

"if you wanna kiss the sky...better learn how to kneel" - u2

Saturday, July 26, 2003

there are so many things about so many of the people that i know that i am so proud of.


"when i look down, i just miss all the good stuff...when i look up, i just trip over things" - ani difranco

Friday, July 25, 2003

trying to find a job has got to be one of the most tedious things. i don't like it. nobody wants me. everybody hates me. i guess i'll go eat worms.

there's something so magnificent about the combination of chocolate and caramel. seriously. dove caramel is the prime example, of course, but then you've also got rolo, regular caramello, caramel slice, caramel timtams, the list goes on. they all work so nicely.

today at the shops i saw a multitude of girls in school uniform. it made me feel a little strange. i was there once upon a time. long ago. way back last year. must admit i actually liked wearing a school uniform - our's was pretty good as uniforms go. then again, if i'd gone to a school where you had to wear a mustard-coloured frock down to your ankles with odd buttons here and there, together with brown school shoes and grey stockings, then it would have been very different. i would have LOVED wearing a school uniform! no, kidding. that would have been horrible. i think private school boards must make an extra special effort to turn perfectly normal teenage girls into walking potato sacks. it's probably to keep them from getting involved with boys. i didn't go to a private school, so i don't know if it works or not. but i'm guessing it doesn't.

one last thought: capsicum. i was helping cook dinner the other night (which in itself is worth a discussion, but we'll save that for another time) and was cutting up capsicum, and told my dad that i liked capsicum (or "bell pepper" as americans call it. inncidentally i think that's a much nicer name), and he replied that he neither liked nor disliked it, and that he couldn't actually see any point in it. that got me thinking - there are so many foods that make you think 'why?'. i concluded that there must be some animal somewhere that lives on bell pepper and bell pepper alone. i think this animal needs a name. i will post the name in a later blog. till then, just hold on to the edge of your seats!!

"be my saviour...i'll be your downfall" - matchbox twenty

Thursday, July 24, 2003

"tell me all the things you would change...i don't pretend to know what you want...when you come around and spin my top...time and again...time and again" - crowded house. those lines always remind me of a good friend of mine. then again, a lot of things do. it's a bit tragic really.

music always does that though. i'm not sure i'm capable of listening to a song totally objectively. there's always some memory or particular emotion attached to it. music evokes memories. maybe music even creates memories in the first place. one of the best feelings in the world has got to be when you get a perfect match (not romantically...although i'm sure that's nice in its own way). when you're in a very particular mood that you can't quite figure out, or maybe you can figure out, but either way it's very particular, and then you find a song that PERFECTLY matches your mood. and everything just 'clicks'. everything makes sense for that 4 minutes or so. you're suddenly transformed from being a confused emotional mess to being a not-confused emotional mess. it's amazing.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

sometimes "evangelism" makes me puke

then again

so does chocolate

tonight i was reminded of one of the things that really annoy me. i know it's already probably sounding like i'm an easily-annoyed-sorta person, but i'm not really. at least no more than anybody else i don't think. but there's definitely things that don't float my boat. and tonight one of them was brought to my attention. pointy shoes. not normal shoes. not shoes with a slightly tapered toe. i'm talking shoes that are down right triangular. hyper triangular. it's almost like your toes have taken on the shape of a witch's hat. it's ridiculous. how can this be natural? yet i have friends who swear that these beak-like shoes are the most comfortable things ever. i know they're very stylish or whatever, but i just think they look weird. sorry to everybody to wears them. you go on wearing them, i'm sure they look great on you. but i just can't bring myself to do it. my toes like their space.

do you ever get to the point where you've just got so much to get done that you do nothing? it's like that now. my mind is screaming at me all the things i should be doing, and i'm paralysed by it.

"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" - semisonic

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

i'm writing this right now for a couple of reasons. 1) i wanted to complain about my ailments, 2) what else could one possibly do when they've woken up early in the morning only to find that the mother they are supposed to be taking to work doesn't actually need a lift, and 3) because i got told i should write more on my blog and that made me feel like i should write more on my blog. so here goes:

1) damn ears!! the night before i went away last week i had the most horrible ear ache/cold/all that jazz. and the staff took me to the doctor which was so nice of them, and we found out that i had 2 middle ear infections and got me on antibiotics. antibiotics are always fun. you can tell people, "i'm on antibiotics!". but after a week of them, my silly ears are being very painful again and it's driving me pistachios (note: "driving me pistachios" is a novelty replacement for "driving me nuts"....i like it). ah. i feel better already. the sad truth seems to be that complaining about sickness makes you feel better about it.

2) self-explanatory. but really, i'm quiet aware that there's lots and lots of things to do when you wake up early in the morning to find that the mother that you were supposed to be taking to work doesn't actually need a lift. i could be eating more breakfast. i like breakfast. it's probably my favourite meal of the day. and even though i don't usually have anything fancy (cereal & toast & fruit juice), exciting breakfasts are loads of fun (pancakes, fruit salad, muffins etc). although, i don't like the whole bacon & eggs & sausages thing in the morning. it's so wrong. it doesn't work. meat at breakfast just doesn't do it for me.

what else could i be doing? i could be reading this marvellous book my sister lent me about the marriages of all these fairly well-known christian women. it's hilarious. or i could be working on all the choreography i'm supposed to be doing, though i don't think my body is awake enough for that just yet. or i could be watching a movie. i could be watching oklahoma!! oh i love oklahoma. i love rogers & hammerstein. i love andrew lloyd-webber. i love them all. and they love me. no, only kidding. they haven't met me yet! but seriously - i just don't see how musicals can be resisted. they are the epitomy of the irresistable. who can possibly resist a bunch of colourful characters living out their lives on stage, finding themselves in delightful circumstances where breaking out into song is perfectly acceptable. it's a beautiful thing.

3) this one's a bit sad isn't it. i got told to write, so i did. it's all about peer pressure these days. though only in my early days of blogging, i'm already picking up the 'we blog, this is how you blog, blog like this or you're just not cricket' vibe. well guess what!! i'm not going to yield to it!! (ha - "yield" - funny word) i'm going to blog whatever i like, whenever i like, however i like. so THERE!! i am woman. hear me roar. man i hate that song; it's such an embarrassment to females everywhere. the very fact that somebody had to write a song that included hyper-self-esteem-inflicting lyrics like that just proves that there was a weakness there to begin with. if we were quite comfortable and confident as women in the first place, happily roaring to our hearts content as we sat by the fire with our embroidery, then a song wouldn't have to be written. it's an attempt to create a sense of power, rather than an expression of power. and creating a sense of power seems to imply that there is a dangerous weakness that needs to be appeased. that's just my humble early-morning opinion....please don't read into it!!

"we come together making chance into starlight" - jeff buckley. i haven't quite decided what this lyric means for me, but there's something so beautifully abstract about it that i just had to write it down.

Monday, July 21, 2003

it's my first day as a newly-recruited blogger and i think i'm already a bit of a's amazing how addictive reading other people's thoughts can be. i don't have the faintest clue who will/won't be reading this. and that's kinda cool. it's all just being thrown out there. out where? who knows. i don't.

was just about to comment on how tragic big brother is, but then figured that it was just as tragic for me to be watching it to comment on.

yesterday i was thinking about reincarnation. came to the conclusion that i'm very happy it's a load of bull. i'd hate to think i'd already existed as a sea slug.

hello world

jo has converted me

she is convinced that you can have a "ray of starlight"