marmalade dreaming

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

"and it stings when it's nobody's fault...coz there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name" - john mayer

Monday, September 29, 2003

this happened a few nights ago. we were walking down a staircase that led to Club Acoustica (mad venue where they show original singer/songwriters) and spotted a box that had 'cd giveaway' written it. there was a lady behind the front counter who was getting people to fill in forms and put them in the box for the draw later that night. i immediately thought (and said) 'oh no...i hate these things...i'd be so so embarrassed if i ever won anything in this kind of that would be so so embarrassing.....seriously - that would be so bad if i won' etc. but we still filled in the forms and put them in the box. later on as we were sitting on some suave round seats a girl with a funky accent got up on stage and announced in her funky accent that she was going to draw the cd giveaway. i got that feeling in your tummy which is a cross between butterflies and rollercoasters and being sick and being scared. and guess who won.

"masquearade....hide your face so the world will never find you" - from phantom of the opera by the legendary ALW and charles hart

Friday, September 26, 2003

there's this little girl at the center who talks to herself continuously, in complete jibberish. cacks me up. maybe it shouldn't, but it does. occasionally she'll even come up and talk at you in complete jibberish. and that's when you either say "mmm, yeah" or "oh, really?" or "honey i just have no idea what you're talking about". again, maybe i shouldn't...but i do. i've lots to learn.

love is one of those things that in one sense i think it's so simple and anybody should be able to talk about it however they want, but in another sense i think it's so complicated and nobody should be able to talk about it unless they actually have a decent grasp of it. and i don't think i do. so maybe i should be quiet about it. or not? i don't know. just one of many thoughts...

mum got a couple more records today. records are beautiful things. sometimes there's a lot more satisfaction listening to records than to cds. and i think sometimes we look at the past and think "oh, like, whatever, like, they were like sooo old-fashioned and just had, like, no idea". but listening to a song like 'I Cain't Say No' from Oklahoma by Rodgers & Hammerstein on a lovely old crackly record, you know that they definitely got some things just perfect.

"sometimes i come on cold but don't beleive it" - crowded house

Thursday, September 25, 2003

got a new toothbrush today.

"...i'll hide in my bedroom...staying up all night just to write a love song for no one" - john mayer.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

innovative idea for the day: (well, it's probably not all that innovative) cooled sunnies. put your sunglasses in the fridge a while before you're due to go out, then when you go outside in hot weather, your face receives a refreshing burst of coolness. i discovered that when i was driving the other day; i pulled my sunnies out of my bag and put them on, only to find that they were cold because they'd been next to my water bottle. fascinating.

"if i could be who you wanted all the time" - radiohead

i love pirates.

SO many rehearsals coming up. that's a good thing - i generally like rehearsals. the last-minute ones are the funniest. this week, for example, we have to put together an entire (dance) piece in 3 rehearsals, ready for a performance next weekend. ouch. and if the rehearsals (including the last-minute ones) were the only thing i was doing, then it would be fine. i wish that was the case. but with lots of uni work coming up at the same time, it's not as cricket.

there's a new sound desk/area at my old church. i think it should be called 'the fortress'.

"it's in front of your face...but you can't grab it" - some song i heard on the radio

Saturday, September 20, 2003




Thursday, September 18, 2003

uncle tobys chewy muesli bars are good. the berry-choc-chip ones and the apricot ones are my favourite, and the original choc-chip ones are a winner too.

while on the train, saw a building that had these 2 huge signs saying something about the property being under constant video surveillance, all in this big bold scary print. then underneath the signs is a whole lot of colourful and imaginative graffiti. i thought it was amusing.

my tutor was telling me how mathematicians and those sorts of people are often the ones who seem to love works by bach, as he is really mathematical in his composition techniques. i don't know what i think. but i do know that if that were true, then it would explain why i don't like the stuff i've heard of bach. i'm not mathematical at all and i don't like maths one bit. i mean i can appreciate the complexity of some of his compositions, but i don't find it to be very appealing complexity.

today i remembered how at school we used to draw all over our hands. sometimes even all the way up our arms. happy days...

"i don't want this...remember that...i'll never forget where you're at...don't let the days go by" - bush (the band, not the president)

performed last night. as a whole, i think it went ok apart from some technical difficulties. but personally, did not go well at all. was so depressed afterwards. i stuffed up so many things. and i'm at the front for some of it which makes my stuff-ups so much more noticeable. and i hurt my knee. i did not dance well at all. and oh i feel so miserable about it.

after a performance like that, after we come off stage, i just can't say a word about what just went on for a while. i can't. i think i just slink into this cold silence that my good friends recognise but others might find a bit scary. i think i do that because 1) it means i won't start rambling off a mega list of all the things i didn't do perfectly 2) it gives me time to remove myself from the experience and 3) it is probably better to concentrate on being silent rather than going and hitting something or literally kicking myself for being so not-good. i don't want to talk about it, i don't want to hear a single word about it from anybody else until some decent time has gone by. and then i come home and do the tedious task of removing makeup, and am torn between wanting a hug from somebody telling me that they still like me even though i stuffed up, and not wanting anybody to even come close to me coz i don't feel like anybody should still like me because i stuffed up. i know how depressing and low that all sounds. but that's just what happens to me after a bad performance. i do get over it.

i hope it goes better tonight...

my that was personal!

"do you want an apology for the offence of me?"

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

talking to some people is like cleaning a glasses lense

at least i think so

getting back into 'just right'. i'd been on a break for a while and now we're beginning a new season. it usually involves a scrutinizing process of removing all the sultanas, but sometimes i can't be bothered, so after the milk is on i just make a point of hunting around with my spoon and eating all the sultanas first to get them out of the way. and does everybody else eat breakfast cereal with tea spoons?

did a pretty silly thing today. i'd met this guy at uni a while ago; he knew one of my friends so there was a bit of a connection. but since the first time i'd met him, i'd completely forgotten his name. this was sort of alright, as we just kept saying 'hi' as normal and names didn't really come into it. then today i thought i heard him being referred to as 'daniel' by somebody else, and i'm thinkin 'yes!! that's right. his name is daniel. excellent'. a little while later a good friend came up to sit with us, and i casually asked "oh, have you two met? daniel - this is nat, nat - this is daniel". nat was pleased-to-meet-him and all that, but daniel was just looking at me. then he says "ryan". i say "what?" and he says "ryan" and i say "sorry??" and he says "RYAN. i'm ryan." oopsie daisies...

"you're a pill to ease the pain of all the stupid things i do" - counting crows

Sunday, September 14, 2003

saw darryn percival (formerly darryn paul) at the basement the other night. oh he's good. lush voice. beautiful performer. also saw a james morrison concert today. and oh he's good too. there's so much talent around...

there's lots to say i think...but i'm tired.

"would you want me when i'm not myself...wait it out while i am someone else" - john mayer

Monday, September 08, 2003

from the sun herald yesterday:

"...Christina Aguilera, a genuinely talented singer desperately trying to be taken seriously as a skanky ho..."

so true!! i mean she's got an incredible voice. she can actually sing really really well, unlike so many other pop stars. but what's with the skanky-ho-ness? like in the porn clip - i mean film clip - for 'dirrty'. hello?!

"in my head the flesh seems thicker...and i need you now somehow" - silverchair

Sunday, September 07, 2003

the fruit scones at baker's delight are the bomb. heated up in the microwave for like 15seconds then topped with a smidgen of butter. so good.

"don't beleive me when i say i've got it down" - john mayer. he's playing here soon. that would be a great show.

Saturday, September 06, 2003

i've had this list up on my desk for about a year now, and i've only seen 2 of them.

*movies to see*
the godfather (all of them)
taxi driver
top hat
breakfast at tiffany's
cramer vs cramer
the untouchables - saw it
wall street
the last of the mohicans - saw it
dead poets society

there's heaps more i have to see too. mostly classic-type ones.

odd thing happened yesterday. i walked into this shop and the shop assistant is like, "hey, so what nationality are you?", and i'm like, "um...australian....why?!" and he's like "really?" and i'm like "yeah" and he's like "nah - i fully thought you had some spanish or indonesian or south american in you or something. so can i help you?" (sidelight - read back over that last sentence - with all the 'he's like' and 'i'm like' bits, in a cheesy american accent - it sounds so funny, especially if you're a girl) i mean where does that come from?! i have pale skin. i do have dark eyes and hair, but so does half the anglo population (that statistic is made up). i wouldn't necessarily have picked those 3 cultures to describe someone anyway. would anyone?! i thought it was funny. we can conclude that either a) he has strange taste in pick-up lines or b) i look like i might have a bit of "spanish-indonesian-south-american" in me. the world is a wonderful place.

saw 'south pacific' last night. was great. although, i have to say that it's not one of my favourite musicals. it does have some good songs, but the storyline is very average, and from my completely un-educated perspective, i don't think it's well-written. but still. twas a good night. the guy who played 'stew pot' was hilarious.

oh - and i half got a job!! yay team. it's only casual, as in i only work if somebody else can't make it, but it's something. it's at a child care centre. i worked for the first time yesterday, with kids around the age of 2. really cute, except for one of them who was really violent. so, still looking for a more regular income, but that's a good start.

" you've got to have a dream...if you don't have a you gonna have a dream come true?" - cute lyric from 'happy talk' in 'south pacific'.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

my dad found 'carousel' at the library and borrowed it for me to watch. what a champion.

today i got paid $15 for smelling weird things for 45minutes. none of them were bad. just weird. $15 is a lot when you're unemployed.

saw a beautiful hubcap on the roadside today...but i couldn't get it as i was in a car with a friend and there was lots of traffic and we didn't have time and i'd walking home etc etc. my collection is still only in the very early stages. but it will get there.

i've been stressing out about the silliest things lately. it's so funny. well, maybe not at the time, but once i realise the full stupidity of what i'm doing and how much i'm over-reacting, then it's hilarious.

had another crazy dream last night BUT forgot to write it down.

"people always say life is full of one ever mentions fear" - from 'anastascia'

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

another thing that's been happening lately is that i've been writing "love sal" at the end of things (as opposed to just "sal" or "luv sal" or "salxoxo"). not everything, but quite a few emails, texts, letters etc. and i didn't even realise i was doing it until i re-read an email i'd written the other day and saw it there. i don't really think there's anything wrong with it. but there might be. it's the kind of thing that can usually be all fine and dandy, but in the wrong situation can be interpretated all weirdly and things can get a little messy. and it's even more silly with particular people (of the opposite gender, of course), because if you've been doing it for a while without thinking anything of it, but then suddenly stop doing it, then the other person knows for sure that you noticed it could be weird, and may think that you stopped doing it because there was some element of some kind of explicit truth in it, and want to hide it, when there really isn't, and you were just writing it just were. and because "love" can be taken different ways can't it. and it's not as if you've suddenly thought 'oh know, they think i love them like THAT' or anything, it's more that you think that they think that you think that they think you might love them, or at least be trying to hint at something similar. oh how terribly confusing. and pointless. i just considered deleting it all. but i didn't. enjoy.

"if i loved would be the last to know" - from 'i won't send roses' in 'mack & mabel'. i thought it matched the theme!

today i got told i had a "tender conscience", and that it could be both a good thing and a bad thing. been told something similar to that before by somebody else. i'm still not exactly sure what either of them meant, but i trust both of them so i won't argue too much. i wouldn't know what i was arguing against anyway.

been reading up on some different religions and cults and new-age stuff lately. in a non-morbid, non-unhealthy-freak kind of way, i find them SO fascinating. that's something i want to know a fair bit about one day. not sure why. i just really really want to. i can't explain it. i suppose it's partly because i really dislike misconceptions. i don't like people making judgements and statements and arguments against christianity based upon misconceptions of it and incorrect information. and i'm sure they wouldn't appreciate me doing the same thing with their faith. however, i do realise that knowing my own faith better would be a start. hmmm. still, i'm really enjoying reading about it. dad has heaps of books to look at, which is helpful. we've been having some great theological discussions lately. it's so good.

see - i can get so excited about learning things i want to know. everyone can. i love general knowledge. i love words. i love animals. i love location geography (is that even a correct term? i just meant things like "lincoln is the capitol of nebraska" rather than things like "the environment space natural disaster survey streams plates"). but with lots of other things, learning just becomes this horrible boring chore. and i might not even call it 'learning', because things tend to go in one ear and out the other one. sometimes they don't go in any ear at all. they just casually meander around above my head and then disappear into a chasm of nothingness. sigh.

been having REALLY weird dreams again. think i should write them down.

"if it was this easy to find you...i should be ready for a fall" - p.j olsson