marmalade dreaming

Monday, October 27, 2003

this afternoon i was chased around a playground by a swarm of 4yr olds pretending to be dragons. i love my job.

"i guess i'm not too good at keeping love alive for long...i think i've found the answers...but the answer's always wrong" - from 'starlight express' by andy lloyd webster & richard stilgoe





Saturday, October 25, 2003

today there was lots and lots of heavy, fat rain. i like fat rain. it's not that nice to be caught outside in, but it's almost like if it's gonna rain, it may as well make a big deal of it.

saw a new christina aguilera song/video this morning. and i was very impressed for a change!! great song, a tad cheesy but very bearable. makes use of her huge voice range. and - get this - she was wearing something that wasn't that short, didn't show her belly, and wasn't overly revealing!!! she's not even in heels. it's amazing. and it's all in black&white too, which always wins points for me. generally it's a really plain clip, but i really liked it. except maybe the end, where she does a bit of a 'kylie' and lies around on this luminous table thing. i love video clips. i enjoy watching them whether i like them or not, even if i end up tearing them apart with harsh criticism. they're the only thing i'll watch pretty regularly on tv. and i'll more likely associate the song with 'the clip' than the other way around (as in, "tra la la" - "oh! that's that song where the guy runs down the street and turns into a palm tree"). and it really bugs me when i haven't seen a clip to a song i like. or any song that catches my interest, good or bad. wouldn't it be fun to make video clips. well maybe not to full-on make them, but at least to come up with the ideas for them and have somebody else do all the technical shabang.

i don't like money. it just gets in the way of everything else. when dreaming up dreams or making rough plans, the thought of money is never in the initial stages. it's just that state of pure ideal with no complications or consequences. but then when practicality eventually comes into it, money is like a big muddy footprint on new carpet, and the dreams can get tarnished. not destroyed, but maybe a few more steps away from being attainable. was talking to a good friend the other day about study options, and his advice was to pinpoint what it is you think about doing when you're not worried about silly things like money, and to maybe try and pursue that. now that approach obviously appeals to me, but it just seems to end up going in circles. dream, decide, can't afford. dream, decide, can't afford. there's 2 or 3 areas i'd really really really love to study. but i don't know how. are doors shutting or am i just looking at the wrong ones?? or is that the same thing? hmmm.

on a more postive note, 'dinotopia' by james gurney is one of the best books ever. i got it when i was much younger and only just got it out to read it again. it's amazing. and the pictures! oh the pictures. the whole idea of an unknown land existing like that is just so cool. another place with it's own language and writing and practices and customs and history and species and conduct and attitude and....dinosaurs. i remember wanting so badly for it all to be real. it was real in my mind at least, if not anywhere else. heck maybe it still is - i loved it that much. that's the kind of thing that i don't mind beleiving in, coz it doesn't really matter if i'm right or not. now ofcourse dinotopia is a story, but i think it's the same priniciples with aliens, myths, atlantis, yetis, crop circles...all that stuff that people can never agree on (then again, can we agree on anything). i know a lot of people would laugh at those type of things, and a lot of them are probably proved to be non-existent or easily explained. but although maybe it's childish, i like to beleive in a lot of it. not because it will explain anything for me, or because i think it will really change anything. but why not. maybe god had a little fun and kept more things hidden than we realise. maybe not, who knows. but the cool thing is, like i said, is that as far as i'm concerned, it doesn't really matter to us either way. maybe that's a very naive thing to say. but that's how i see it. but just because i might think some of these things are real or at least quite possible, doesn't mean i'd want to go and prove it. heck no. that wouldn't be cricket. that would be denying a secret it's secretive-ness. and besides, if it's been hidden or unexplained for this long then chances are it would remain so. basically, i think it's a wonderful thing that humans don't know everything about their 'hood. and i think it should stay that way, and if silly people like me want to beleive in the loch ness monster, then leave us in peace.


well, apart from the enthralling introduction about the weather, that was 3 reasonably chunky points (well, maybe not 'points'...just thoughts...or observations...not 'points'). if they all started with the same letter and included the words "salvation", "the gospel" and "jesus", then i'd have myself a sermon.

"i don't see you when leaves are falling...you know better times are calling...you'll be back for spring"


Saturday, October 18, 2003

this time for antibiotics i got tablets instead of capsules. that was a little disappointing. capsules seem so much more pharmacutical. but what's really silly about them is that they keep breaking when i pop them out of their little house. but i'm not supposed to be taking them half at a time or anything. holding a tablet or capsule or tabsule is usually such a cool thing - you've got drugs in your hand that are going to fight all the baddies in your body. they have the power. but as soon as they're broken, and you can see the textured inside of them, it's suddenly as if they're not going to work anymore. the power is gone. they no longer stand a chance against the baddies. they break, you ache. game over.

"the drugs don't work...they just make you worse...but i know i'll see your face again" - the verve (but was that a cover? so many people seem to have covered that song)

i talk/write without thinking

don't read too far into it

"my stupid mouth has got me in trouble...i said too much again..." - john mayer

Friday, October 17, 2003

really don't like death metal music. it doesn't do a thing for me, and the name is rather unfortunate as well. but there's people out there who love it. though i can't and won't try to understand how, they connect with it. there's something in the sound that they relate to or escape in or get passionate about. it speaks some language that they understand, but i don't. and there are christians that speak that language too. some of them probably find it really hard. because apart from most of the lyrics being about crap, they probably get some hard opposition from good, docile christians who prefer easy-going pop-rock, saying it's 'from the devil' or 'too evil' or 'not filled with joy' or whatever. maybe i can see what they're saying. but i am so proud of any christians out there who happen to have formed a heavy/death metal band, and sing what they want to sing about, in that style of music. who am i to say that because it's loud and sounds aggressive and the words aren't heard, it's not some form of genuine expression, some form of indepth meaning, some form of communicating some truth to those that can understand it, or some form of worship. go the death metal. i don't understand it and i probably never will, but i'd hate to think that people who do understand it are being denied the chance of hearing something from god just because their taste in music is different to mine.

"think i'm done nursing the patience" - foo fighters


Thursday, October 16, 2003

beautiful day today. absolutely super.

the voice is kind of back...it's very husky and scratchy but i think you can decode what i'm saying now.

"it's easier not to be wise...and measure these things by your brains" - live

Monday, October 13, 2003

what has been a fairly average cold for the last few days has escalated over the past 24hrs into a fully-equipped flu complete with a lack of voice, good old aches and pains and shivers all over, a nose that thinks it's a tap, and a rather painful middle-ear infection. my family loves me right now.

one good thing about it though, was that from being this crap i found out that bath bombs are actually more ingenius than i ever thought. always feel like having a bath when i'm really unwell, and this time decided i'd use this bath bomb that's been sitting in my room for ages. i'd always thought that bath bombs just looked pretty and made the water smell nice and have lots of bubbles. but as soon as i dropped it under the running water, not only did bubbles appear and tiny stars started floating around, but - BOOM - the whole bath turned bright purple. it was awesome. bath bombs are...the bomb. unless ofcourse they're not supposed to do that, and the one i had just malfunctioned. either way, it was very special.

better go get drugged up...

"who needs a heart when a heart can be broken" - tina turner. i think i beg to differ. maybe the reason we need a heart is because it does have the potential to be broken. maybe?

Friday, October 10, 2003

a few days ago i was getting some books from uni (i know - what IS going on?!), and as i was beginning the journey back to the shopping centre where i'd parked the car because i'm cheap and wanted the exercise, i was stopped by this very 'alternative' looking guy with black dreadlocks and multiple piercings and boots and all that. he had sunnies on as well which made it even more 'ooo'. he said "excuse me" and asked me how me the quickest way to get to the city from outside macquarie university library. i told him there was buses straight from the uni but didn't know how frequent they were, and said that there were more frequent ones to catch over at the shops, where i was going. so we had a nice walk (and a very brisk one) over to the shops, and had some substantial conversation along the way too. we talked about what i was studying (which took about a second), what he was planning on studying (he was in his early-20s and has been working since leaving school), why he had to get to the city so quickly etc. turned out he lived in newtown. he was telling me what a great place it was to live and i mentioned that i knew friends who lived there and that i had been meaning to go and visit them. he asked where i knew these friends from, i said from my old church...and so it began. 'oh so u're like full religious are you like full religious like you're a christian and stuff and do you go to church man you're into all that that's all that spiritual stuff man you and i would get along like house on fire'. i questioned him about the last bit, asking him if he was being sarcastic or if he in fact had some 'religious' connection too. he said 'oh - fully - yeah. i'm a born-again christian!' i said 'really?! are you serious? good for you, thats cool' or something equally lame. i then caught on that he was kidding (duh. its amazing how i use sarcasm so much but sometimes completely miss it when other people use it...), and we had a laugh. he went on to say that no, if i went to the some of the places he hung out at i would be shocked, as they were places "where the devil probably hangs out too!", which i thought was kinda cute, in a morbid, non-cute kinda way. he then said 'nah, i'm not into all that religious stuff that you're into...but i'm sure you're still a great person and all that', and i said i was sure he was a great person too. then completely out of the blue, he hit me with "so do you have a boyfriend?". i say 'no' and then he laughs and jokes that if he hadn't said all that about being very "not-christian" that he might have had a 'chance'. i laughed, then he caught a bus.

and....i've wiped so many noses in the last 12 hours it's not even funny. (2yr old's noses, not mine)


"i'm just staring at the ceiling staring back at me...just waiting for the daylight to come crawling in on me" - counting crows


Thursday, October 09, 2003

today i got a birthday card in the mail from my great aunt & uncle. it said 'congratulations on your 21st' on the front. isn't that sweet. it would be a little sweeter if it said 'congratulations on your 19th' instead, but it was still a nice thought.

iv'e got 2 major assignments to be finished by tomorrow. and i'm on the computer!?!? it's all about insanity.

"twinkle twinkle little star...how i wonder what you are" - who ever wrote that?

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

gotta say it again - i love pirates.

i love gershwin. just wrote an assignment on his 'catfish row'. brilliant stuff. (the music, not my assignment). he's the only guy who makes me genuinely enjoy orchestral music. it's just so jazzy and swanky and classy....sigh...

i also love 'the two towers'. so many beautiful moments in that movie.

as well as that, i love blackstump. over the weekend saw some awesome acts, met some fabulous people, drank some good hot chocolates. it got a bit emotional too though...had some high highs and low lows. but it was a really good 3 days. bring it on for next year.

and as cheesy as it sounds, i love christian community (or the 'body of christ' or 'the kingdom' or whatever else people refer to it as....those names don't float my boat particularly). now that's not to sound all exclusive - my non-christian friends are the bomb too. but there's something so cool about being around all these people who you hardly know, but who you share an eternity with. and you know that even though you might not have the same interests or hairstyles or personalities, you do have the same spirit with each of you. i hope that doesn't sound dodgy. it isn't meant to.


it's a good thing the last few days have been so wonderful (if a bit frustrating and cold at times) and got me all pumped up (in some ways). because now it's just work-work-work so these assignments will be finished by friday. well, actually its more a case of work-procrastinate-work-procrastinate-work-procrastinate, so it ends up taking a lot longer than it should. when will i ever learn??

heard sting on the radio today. how good is sting. how good will sting always be.

woke up with slightly husky voice today, which meant i ended up singing a lot. i like singing with a husky voice. mad fun.

it's funny how songs can take on a totally different meaning in a totally different context.


"and when a simple thing needs protecting...my illusions all would shatter...but you would stay in my corner" - sting