marmalade dreaming

Saturday, February 28, 2004

saw the passion. it hurt.

the thing that made my eyes water the most was satan. the image of him in that cloak with those eyes and those demons and that tilt of the head...and that scream when jc died. incredibly disturbing.

can't say much else about it at this stage.


on a lighter note, we're about to go bridesmaid shopping which is most exciting.

"and when i fail to be everything i tell you i will be...i know in your eyes i'll find forgiveness for me" - dum dums

Friday, February 27, 2004

this morning as i was hanging the washing on the line i remembered that when i was little i used to turn the laundry basket upside down and sit inside it pretending i was a lion in a cage at the circus.

"i won't be there to break your sweet heart...but not being there might break your sweet heart" - the reindeer section


Tuesday, February 24, 2004

just finished reading 'john wimber - the way it was', which is all about the life of john wimber and the church he played a part in. it's written by his wife, which is kinda cool, as she's not an 'author' and doesn't try to be. it's not as literally succint (does that make sense? i guess i'm not very literally succint either) as it would be if it were written by a professional, and that means it has a real genuine feel about it. she's just telling it like it is - the way it was. it's really challenged me. just their attitude about so many things, the way the vineyard movement started and what it had to go through to get where it is now, and john's constant grip on reality, on the power of god, and on the reason why he was where he was. and he had this incredible love for the church - not just the vineyard - the whole church. he spent time with and ministered with catholics, baptists, pentecostals, and lots of other movements, always aware that no part of god's kingdom was better than another. each reflected a facet of god, and all were needed to create a complete reflection. there are so many more things i could write about it but we'll leave it for now.

went to canberra on the weekend for the southern engagement party (my sis's fiance lives in canberra, so they wanted one down there for all the people who couldn't come up to our's). it was good fun. really really hot though. the next morning i went along to church with my sister. i'd kinda expected just to go along and sit there and relax and maybe tune out a bit, as i was so so tired. but god had other plans. he got me. big time. and he didn't even wait till the prayer ministry time - it was during the sermon. that's the second time that's happened lately, and the talks they've happened through have been on similar things, so i've got no doubt in the world he's telling me something about something, but i just don't know exactly what that is. i mean i was reacting to it in such a big way, physically, and i was aching inside, but my brain didn't really register it. you know how sometimes god speaks to your soul but your mind doesn't understand? it's exactly like that. it's like god and his holy spirit within you (i know they're one and the same, but let's leave aside theologically-correct explanations of the trinity and just get on with the illustration) have these secret conversations and don't let your mind in on it, although they're quite happy to involve your body in any way they see fit. got some words given to me too, which were well scary and exciting. anyway, i really have to sit down with someone older and wiser and talk them about it all. that would be a very good idea. and the only idea, really. and the people who gave the talk at church that morning were really great. they were so warm, so humble, so passionate; they knew who they were and who they weren't and they only knew all that because they knew who god was. i want to be like that.

that night i was back in sydney, watching a friend's band play in a highschool hall in holsworthy (how's that for alliteration). there's probably no need to comment again on how much i love live music. but i will comment on the fact that white chocolate&macadameia cookies are the bomb.

have a meeting tonight. meetings can be fun, but i'm a little scared of this one.

and everybody seems to be getting engaged these days.

"i'm not what you want...i'm not anyone...but if you needed me...i could be someone" - forgotten the name of the band but it's a great song

Monday, February 16, 2004

another day, another middle-ear infection.

i had a shock this afternoon. a full-on shock. never mind the reason for the shock, but it was such a strange feeling. there was this bizarre moment where i couldn't do anything but stare straight ahead and remember to breathe. my heart went hot, my face was sweating, my tummy did somersaults and my eyes prickled with potential tears. it was the weirdest thing.

"there's an awful lot of breathing room...but i can hardly move" - matchbox twenty






Sunday, February 15, 2004

spent some time up at whale beach yesterday. man it was beautiful. so so sooo nice. was quite an adventure too - i just had a couple of hours to kill and thought i'd follow the road and see where it took me...and just happened to end up at a beautiful place i'd never been before. i love driving through streets i'm not familiar with. and at the beach - just sitting there on the rocks for ages, looking out onto a sea i've seen a million times but never quite like that, never from that point. it was well good.

last night my sister had some people around to celebrate her 22nd birthday, which was a couple of weeks ago. she never had a 21st though, so we had some 21st-like speeches and all that. it was fancydress, which is always so much funner that wearing normal clothes. i did maria from 'west side story'. i wish fifties-style a-line pokadot skirts were still in. i'm serious - they're the best. and wearing a flower in your hair always feel special. we also had a nelly from 'south pacific' (dressed in the sailor suit from the concert they put on near the end), aladdin (who even had a monkey), mickie & minnie (the kind of minimal-effort costume - black and white clothes and mouse ears), nemo (which was great), steve irwin (naturally), buzz lightyear (complete with lazers), kath (from kath and kim), sharon strezlecki (also from kath and kim...that was my mum...i sometimes wonder how my dad, a man who detests dressing up, ended up with a wife and 2 daughters who live for it), and my sister was wonderwoman. during my mum's little speech about my sis, for some reason she kept mentioning me. i think she was just trying to be nice and not leave me out, but it was hilarious and completely unnecessary all the same, so for the rest of the night there was a running joke that the reason everyone was there was for me instead of my sister. quite funny, but as with most things, i guess you kinda had to be there...

how could anybody not like dressing up. it's so much fun! coming up with ideas, searching for costume fragments, putting on the finishing touches...oh it's the best. i think i'll have to have a fancydress for my 21st. it means that you get to wear totally bizarre things that you wouldn't wear anywhere else. it means that the party looks a lot more colourful and interesting. it also means there's no need to worry about how and if you're going to look 'cool', coz it's not about that, and you're actually going as somebody (or something) else anyway. costumes can also be great conversation-starters (eg. 'oh! you came as a hobbit. how wonderful. how did you stick all that fur on your feet?' 'i didn't stick it on'. or 'oh! you're that guy from 'scream'....yeah...did you know that i killed someone once?'). maybe i should start raiding our costume department more often. wouldn't it be fun if costumes were 'in'. not that being 'in' is the only time to wear things. being 'in' doesn't really have anything to do with anything as far as i'm concerned, except maybe in terms of availability (ie. if sequined halter tops are in, you'll find them at the shops, but if it's fluro green skants with cargo pockets that you're after, they're gonna be harder to find). but it would be funny if costumes were 'in', because then places like bus stops and supermarkets would look so different, and you'd get all these classy catalogues with sultry models wearing things like penguin suits. wouldn't that be fun?

going to padstow this afternoon. don't even know where that is. it amazes me how little i know of my own city. people who visit sydney know more about it than i do.

got some prayer at church this morning. god said some pretty cool stuff through the lady who was praying for me. just what i needed. i think it's interesting that we can convince ourselves that we need things we don't. and then when we get or hear something we really do need, it can be this moment of 'oh! well duh! what was i thinking'. it's always good to be reminded that in many ways we really don't have a clue about life, and that the only way to get through it - and make something of it - is to follow the one who created it.

"so many sheep i quit counting...sleepless and embarrassed about the way that i feel...trying to make mole hills out of mountains...building base camp at the bottom of a really big deal" - ani difranco



Friday, February 13, 2004

my blog keeps publishing things that i never published and not publishing things that i do publish. plus the times are all wrong again. and i thought boys were weird.

just saw a show (YES!! a show!! at a THEATRE!! man it was awesome. had that same amazing buzz about it. it's just so so cool. LOVE theatres. thank god for theatres. i want a theatre. i'd live in a theatre, and visit other theatres on weekends. actually, i just want to go to theatres, everywhere, continually) entitled, "i love you, you're perfect, now change", which was a musical revue (a musical revue!!!) about relationships, stereotypes, and love, all in very very good humor. the way they pulled off different scenarios and characters was so real...the kind of thing you look at and go, 'wow - that is so true'. it really was very very funny. four great actors/singers who looked like they were having so much fun. quite impressed how they were all able to change characters so quickly, not to mention change their costumes as well!

we (my mum and i) went to this show because the producer is the daughter of my parent's friends. one of their other daughters was there tonight too; she used to teach me sunday school, but i hadn't seen her in years. i noticed when her and her husband (who also knew me when i was younger) arrived and went up to them, all excited, to say hello. she was looking at me and you could see her brain ticking... then she says, 'i know your face but i can't think who you are!!' and we all had a good laugh. when i told her who i was she was so surprised, it was unbeleivable. i didn't think i'd changed that much. then again, it's probably a good thing that i don't look the same as i did when i was 8. she's so lovely though, i'm so glad i got to see her. her husband is heaps nice too. and heaps tall. really really tall. he might actually come across a bit scary and formidable, if you didn't know him and didn't know that he was superduper nice.

i got club chocolate during the interval. not usually a fan of dark chocolate, but if it's club, it's well and good. decided that from now on, whenever i'm seeing a show and want chocolate, it's always going to be club chocolate. i'm not sure how that will work out...but i think it's a mighty fine idea, and it will be nice to get a bit of a tradition going.

and the lady sitting next to me (not my mum...the lady on the other side) had this really creepy laugh, which would have put me off if i wasn't having such a good time.

but enough about my theatrical experience...i could go on way to long about this sort of thing, it's best to stop before i start rambling about the colour scheme of the place (which, incidentally, was blue-grey, red and copper).

again bought too much at the shops today. lately i've been at the shops more than usual...i think that's why it seems like such a big problem. but maybe i should stop writing about it, and you can just assume that whenever i post, i've also spent more than i needed to at the shops. although, i'm really happy with all of it. especially the wallet (which is what i originally went to get). my last (much-loved) one was getting a bit worn out, so it was time to go in a new, black, direction. it's amazing how attatched you get to your wallet. at least i do. i mean think about it - it holds pretty important stuff. well, 'important' as in quite necessary for getting around from day to day. and you sometimes get that lovely nostaligic build-up of receipts, coffee cards, boost juice cards, muffin break cards, and other random bits of paper that you occasionally sort through and reminisce about and throw away. wallets can be very personal things. i might not go as far to say that a wallet tells a lot about the owner, but that might be true to some extent. i mean if you look through my wallet, you'd probably think that i'm a christian (koorong card, usually a bible verse somewhere in there), i'm involved in soul survivor and breakthru artz (multiple cards for each of them), i can be a bit of a geek (3 different library cards), i'm attached to my lipgloss (in the front pocket, always), and don't usually have much cash on me (lack of cash...obviously), not to mention my address, phone number, date of birth, and other details like that (licence). that's a half-decent amount of information. i don't have a photo in there at the moment, but that could say something too. come to think of it...what photo am i going to put in? might be tempted to find a really bizarre shot of someone i don't even know, just for the fun of it. if it was fun. which it might not be, i'd have to try it and see. i looked around lots of places for my wallet. i knew it would be out there somewhere. there's lots of wallets around, but not many that i actually like. there's heaps of leather ones, but i'm not really a leather fan. it's just...too shiny or something. although i did end up getting a suede one - is suede a type of leather? might well be, i'm not sure, i'm not really into knowing about animal skin. but i do know that i prefer the texture and look of suede to the shiny stuff.

a 2yr-old girl at work has just started saying "i look beautiful" at random intervals. it's so funny. they've all been coming out with interesting things lately. one of the boys likes "shannonoll" (shannon noll) and also likes to tell us so. another one is in desperate need of some more vocabulary - at the moment absolutely everything, as in everything, is "car". gibberish-girl is still at it which is worrying. and this cute little munchkin who looks like a munchkin informed me today that her new shoes (which was what i had referred to them as) were "not shoes, they're sneakers". nice!

still quite stressed out, as i was the other day. there's just so much to do. so many emails to send and phone calls to make and things to design and programs to finalise...i love it all but it does stress me out. sleep is probably a very good thing right now. night night :)

"if dreams are like movies...then memories are films about ghosts" - counting crows

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

so stressed out right now.

"you put the lime in the coconut and then you feel better" - some crazy song. you know how some things you really like but also get really annoyed by? that song is one of those things.

Monday, February 09, 2004

it's 38 degrees outside and i'm sitting here with a nasty cold, wondering why my body never reacts well to changes in the weather. it just goes into panic mode and decides to perform something dramatic, like a bad cold or a nosebleed or a little lose-the-voice trick. silly.

had the eftpos problem again today. i always end up buying more than i mean to at the shops. always. this time i went up specifically for drugs, fruit juice, and breakfast cereal. somehow i came home with 4 cds as well. i couldn't really help it, as i walked past 2 music shops, one of which had about 5 tables of $10 cds. it just happened.

finally got along to the beach on saturday. after a beautiful swim we sat on our towels playing 'match' (for those not familiar with 'match', it's a game you play on paper which predicts/makes up what your future will look like. it was big in year 6). i think i ended up marrying either johnny depp or some random guy from highschool, living in a mansion, driving a beetle, having 10 kids, being a jewelry designer and having a honeymoon in the whitsundays. there you go.

"everything you've ever done wrong...is the reason i'm driven...straight to you" - counting crows


Sunday, February 01, 2004

decided that i won't write about camp or melbourne at all. they're both too complicated. damn good, but complicated. even aside from them though, the last few weeks have been crazy. i think that's kind of what's been putting me off writing on here. there's too much to write about but also too little to say. guess i'll just start on about random things and see where it goes...

saw 'the lion king' musical. my goodness. couldn't stop smiling the moment i walked into the theatre foyer. it was amazing. visually spectacular. absolutely marvellous. and the theatre itself - that was worth another whole ticket. it's so beautiful. seeing an amazing live show like that, a live musical...there's not much that can beat that in my book. sigh. and theatres! oh, theatres. was in the city with a friend the other day and couldn't walk past the state theatre without going and standing in the front foyer for a few seconds. it's such a buzz. cannot explain it.

saw art express too. very cool. i love artists. of any kind.

my sister's engagement party was a really nice evening. lots of people, most of whom i didn't know. it was quite funny actually - we just assumed that all the people we didn't recognise who were walking through our gate must be relatives of my sister's fiance. so really, anybody could have walked in off the street and enjoyed the festivities, as everyone would think they belonged to the other family. but hey, the more the merrier. and what a merry night it was. it's always fun when people know you, but you don't know them. i had numerous siblings and parents and aunts and uncles tell me how nice and special it was to meet me, even if i had no idea who they were. it seems that everybody on my sister's fiance's side has heard about 'the little sister'. i wonder what else they've heard about.

at the moment, 2 of the most active people i know have some injury. that must suck. i wouldn't really know how it feels though. me being such a sport & exercise keeno and all. i guess the equivalent for me would be loosing all my fingers, so i couldn't play piano, make jewellery, type/write, or stick stuff on my wall. that would be awful. actually, everyone would be stuffed if they lost all their fingers. i mean you use them for everything don't you. eating could be difficult. you'd have to eat through a straw. or maybe grab something chunky like an apple between your palms and try and eat it normally. i wonder what it's like for people who have no fingers. if they'd never had fingers, then obviously they wouldn't know any different, but our society is built with and for fingers, so it must be so frustrating. but if you had them, and then suddenly you lost them, it must be such a huge adjustment. and you'd always be asked how you lost them. and what the heck am i talking about?!

witnessed the most shocking bite i've ever seen at work the other day. well, i didn't actually see it happen. i just saw the after-effects. and my they were bad. this kid not only bites (which is bad enough anyway), but pulls and sucks as well. so instead of a fairly standard tooth mark on the victim's back (yes, her back...i'm not sure how the tyrant managed to do it), there's a deep purple/red mark that almost looks like a hiccy, rimmed by bright red indents where the teeth had nearly drawn blood. nasty. i honestly don't understand what got inside his head. he's usually so nice. i mean he's got attitude, but he's well cute and he knows it. then again, they can all be well cute at times. especially when they go to sleep. that hour or so in the middle of the day is amazing. even if the kids have driven you crazy all morning, and you know that they'll probably drive you crazy again in the afternoon, you forgive it all when you see them fall asleep. it's the cutest thing. i wonder if my kindy teachers ever thought the same about me. actually, i used to get moved at sleep time for being naughty and talking to my friend jessica. i remember walking home with my mum one day after it had happened, and feeling so incredibly ashamed. i was in utter agony until i confessed to mum. she probably laughed, but i took the whole thing very seriously. i still feel guilty about it...

i miss the beach.

went up to the central coast the other night for a church-related thing. love the central coast. even though we weren't staying up there, and even though we didn't go to the beach, the central coast has always got this cool 'getaway' feeling about it. it's a totally different atmosphere to where i live. at least i think so. the trip up is nice too. not too long, but long enough to feel like you're going somewhere different. and you even get to drive past all these big deserted abseiling cliffs. car journeys can be so much fun. they can be horrible too, if you're with the wrong people. but i was with some right people, and we had a merry time. good talks, good laughs, good singing. and apparently i'm a smart ass. whatever.

a friend and i went into balmain the other night to see a band play. we tend to stick to our 'side' a bit, so it was good to be somewhere different. band was good too. really good. live music is the bomb. i don't see how anyone could choose watching a dvd at home over great live music. although i spose there's a time for dvds, and a time for live music (though much more time for the latter). a time for pool-side waterfights, and a time for the beach. a time for dove caramel, and a time for lindt. a time for musicals, and a time for more musicals.

the last 3 times i've gone up to hornsby westfield, i've been barefoot. i love barefeeting. i'm not sure i'll ever grow out of it. i just don't see how shoes are necessary inside, unless it's either formal or dangerous. not to say that if it's not one of those two then i won't wear shoes, but if i do wear shoes, then i'll probably be wondering why. fascinating.

eftpos is a dangerous thing. you don't actually see the money being exchanaged, so you can keep buying things without actually feeling like you've spent anything. amazing. but also quite scary, especially if you're a bit of a spontaneous shopper like myself. and especially with underwear. i love underwear. some girls like shoes, some like accessories, some like handbags, i like underwear. it's the ultimate anti-depressant, along with chocolate. feeling blue? get a block of cadbury and a new bra. you'll feel much better. unless you're a boy. then you might be feeling neurotic.

in relation to that last paragraph...once again i find myself writing things that may not be appropriate, and i may regret writing, and may have people thinking weird things about me. but once again i also find myself choosing not to worry about it, and realising that you only live once, and that you can blog lots more times than that. so moving on...

have been a bit unsettled about church lately. still am a bit, but a while ago i was really really unsettled. then in the one afternoon, i got 2 phone calls from 2 different people at church asking me to do something for them, both involving something i happen to be passionate about. weird. or maybe just god.

heaps excited about doing more choreo/writing/conceptualising this year. so many ideas buzzing around in my head that i really want to try and create. if only life could be one big performing arts experience. maybe it already is?

"listen with your eyes...listen with your eyes...and sing everything you see" - from that old 'sing a rainbow' song