like every other counting crows fan in australia, i'm currently in mourning. i was so flipping ridiculously amazingly excited about this show, but it's not happening anymore. i'm sooo cut. and poor adam has a family to be with following the death of a loved one. he must be way more cut. wonder if he'll write a song about it.

"if i could make it rain today...and wash away this sunny day down to the gutter...i would...just to get a change of pace...things are getting worse but i feel a lot better" - counting crows

the other night a friend and i went to chatty and saw '50 first dates'. it was the perfect evening for what we were in the mood for - lots of sugar, good car conversation, goofy behaviour in a supermarket, grape-throwing and other cinema antics, and an average, shallow comedy that didn't require any thinking.

right now (as in this moment, now, not as in right now generally) i'm kinda low. and a bit grumpy. or maybe just moody, i'm not sure. i think it's hormones, coz i've really got no reason to be in a bad mood. things are quite dandy. but just feeling a bit....blah. which is bad, especially when you're driving home by yourself at night, because i always end up buying chocolate when i should only be getting petrol.

today i had to vote for my local council, which i really don't give a damn about. maybe i should? but i didn't. i had no idea who any of the councillors were, i have no idea who our current mayor is...heck, i didn't even know which council i belonged to since we moved. it does sort of feel good to be having a say in the community or whatever, but mostly it was just a silly reason to change out of my pyjamas. the thing that struck me most about my voting experience was how much paper they must waste. i hope it all gets recycled. maybe they could give some to my work. we had to get rid of a whole lot of our scrap paper (that the children use for drawing) because one horrified mother discovered that on the back was an excerpt from some childcare policy thing on sexual harrassment. it might not seem like a big deal, but it's up to the part where the policy gets very detailed and very graphic, so it's understandable that parents don't want their daughter's innocent scribble of a tree sharing the same pulp as something not so innocent. anyway. so maybe they could give the paper to us. or maybe they could make a lot of paper aeroplanes, and give them to all the people out there who'd love a paper aeroplane but couldn't get one for whatever reason. or maybe they could get people who like to shred things to shred it all and give it to vet clinics to use as cage lining for all the sick puppies and kittens and assorted rodents. or they could fan-fold all the paper and make it into...fans, i guess. maybe there's some school around who's doing an oriental play that needs fans. who knows. the possibilities are endless. especially when you're tired...

i just wrote another paragraph but it was depressing so i deleted it.

"and if i could be who you wanted...if i could be who you wanted...all the time" - radiohead

it's probably a very good thing i don't talk about boys on here.

last night went to manly with a couple of friends. we contemplated how manly can be so seedy and so atmospheric at the same time, ate gelatissimo ice cream sitting on pier steps, visited a very scary bathroom, wondered where and when seagulls sleep, listened to a good covers band in a pub, giggled at some of the more unusual locals, and nearly got attacked by a water rat. all in all a pleasant, and very unstructured, autumn evening. i wasn't driving which was nice. i usually drive and do like it, but i was ridiculously tired and it meant i could put my knees up for a change, and getting picked up is a novelty these days because it happens so rarely. no matter how much i dislike it most of the time, mix106.5 is the bomb for late-night singalongs. it's always amusing to hear about lovers in prisons and how they're still being cherished back home by someone who's sincere enough to call a radio station and request a bryan adams song.

"the finger of blame has turned upon itself...and I'm more than willing to offer myself...do you want my presence or need my help...who knows where that might lead" - crowded house

person 1 "i hear you're a christian"
person 2 "yeah, that's right"
person 1 "cool. so in what ways do you help the poor?"


"you're dangerous coz you're honest" - u2

just went to a very anglican church. it was painful not being able to sit how i usually do (damn narrow wooden pews...), but it was a nice building, i enjoyed the talk and made a friend or two.

i really dislike pressure.

my sister, her fiance and i had to take my great aunt to the airport on saturday so she could fly home to the land of the brits. we just dropped her off near the departure gates, and were only in the airport grounds for about 5 minutes, but that was enough to depress me. although they're such exciting places to aimlessly wander around in, as soon as they're to do with someone i know i don't like airports anymore. i spose it's because there's only ever been goodbye's at airports for me. i've never welcomed anybody home. it's always goodbye. and it's always been sad. i mean some people i've said goodbye to have returned home later, but i've never been at the airport when that part happens, so i don't have any nice memories to attach to the place. they're all sad, all depressing. but, as i said, i still somehow find airports so exciting. so on one hand, you've got exciting things like planes and suitcases and tickets and crew and so much emotion in the air that you can feel it, and on the other hand you've got depression. bring on the mood swings...

this afternoon as i was dancing around in my room (which is common these days) i suddenly noticed that the mischeivous (and loud...anytime they're outside i can pretty much hear every word) boys who live across the road had somehow managed to climb this huge tree with no branches in their yard and were trying to hammer bits of wood to the top of it. i'm not exactly sure what they were trying to do, but i am quite sure they could see into my room from that point if they wanted to, so i'm going to have to take precautions next time so they can't steal any of my moves.

"you cannot quit me so quickly...is no hope in you for me...no corner you could squeeze me...but i got all the time for you, love" - dave matthews band

noticed a brilliant poster at work today. it's next to some other things about first-aid and evacuation procedures and all that, and it's headed "The I AM CHOKING Chart". isn't that great? also at work today i overheard some of the pre-schoolers calling eachother "lollyboobydumdumhead". what a fine generation. as well as that i got to hold a 7week-old baby which is so much more special than it sounds once you're actually doing it. on my lunchbreak i talked to a german co-worker who told me all about how she met her pakistani husband when she was nannying for a diplomat's family in washington dc which was after she'd finished college in germany and had travelled europe a bit. there you go.

yesterday i made a friend in the forces. i'd walked past him earlier, this guy in combat clothes, thinking it was a little out of the ordinary to see a young guy wearing that sort of thing at the train station. but there he was, there i was, and we got talking. i think he's the first person in the army i've really had a conversation with, aside from my cousins. and it was all cool; he was heaps friendly and i had fun when the topic of christianity came up. it was all fine and dandy until before i knew it he had walked/followed (whichever way you want to look at it) me home from my station. don't ask how that happened. i honestly do not know. no idea. maybe that should join my extensive 'things i should kick myself for' list.

honesty is such a funny thing. sometimes i wish i wasn't so rubbish at lying.

a tip for all those helpful cafe-attendees out there (this is from my own experience of waitressing...others may disagree): even if you're trying to be helpful, never take a plate/bowl/glass/mug/cup&saucer from a waiter(ess)'s hand, unless they're only carrying one thing in each hand. he/she's got it all balanced out, knows exactly what's leaning on what, how much pressure is on what, how much strength he/she's using where, and because they're in control of it all they know exactly what needs to adjust when they remove something to put it down. if you just grab something, you essentially stuff all that up and there's a small chance they'll drop something, a good chance they'll let something dip/slide, a great chance they'll be freaked out for a millisecond and a brilliant chance they'll be annoyed at you. so be helpful to the waiter(ess) by all means - be nice, be friendly, say 'thankyou' or something equivalent, leave a tip, cut them some slack from the arrogant people they may have been serving all day etc - they'll love you for it and will rave about you in the kitchen, but don't mess with what they're carrying until it's on your table. are we all clear?

that 'milkshake' song by kelis is absolutely naff. of all the music out there, radio stations decide to play that. ridiculous.

went to a meeting last night and had my first anzac biscuit in years.

it has honestly been the summer of love. it's amazing how many people have either hooked up or got engaged in the last 3 or 4 months. (my sister just came down the stairs with her wedding dress fabric wrapped around her like a cape...and that inspired the comment)

i'm itching to go do a high-energy dance class at some studio, probably in the city. absolutely hanging out for that - that would rock. been looking into it but it's just a matter of time...

got mail today!!

"the future doesn't fret me...if i can only get me...someone to slap that bass" - cute one from 'crazy for you', by george & ira gerswhin

thought this was cute. it was in the program of one the churches i've visited:

"if dogs could teach us we would learn things like:

* when loved ones come home, always run to greet them
* never pass the opportunity to go for a joyride and enjoy the fresh air through an open window
* stretch before rising
* run and play daily
* let people touch you
* avoid biting when a simple growl will do
* on hot days, drink lots of water and lie on your back on the grass in the shade
* when you are happy, let it affect your whole body
* no matter how many times you are scolded, don't do the guilt thing and pout - run right back and make friends
* delight in the simple joy of a long walk
* eat with enthusiasm but stop when you've had enough
* be loyal
* never pretend to be something you're not
* when someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently!"

work was insane today. honestly, i love the little gems to bits, but they really know how to test you. i guess patience is one of the many things this job is teaching me...

one of my favourite pastimes has got to be watching video clips. when i don't have to be anywhere on a saturday morning, there's not much better than to spend a couple of hours watching, analysing and critisizing what i see on rage/video hits (i prefer the former but i switch to the latter when something boring comes on). well, at least that's the case in winter, when the sun isn't a blatant temptation/invitation to the beach. the other say i saw a clip that made me embarrassed to be human. the video itself was rubbish, but you couldn't actually expect any more than that, as the song was so stupid it was offensive. absolute crap it was. a pathetic excuse for a piece of music. what a waste of recording equipment. it was so crap that it almost wasn't even there. but somewhere, somehow, somebody is making money from it. it's a twisted world we live in.

there's this clicking sound that's been happening for a few minutes now. turns out that a bug has got caught in the light in the ceiling above my head. the horrible thing is the inevitability that sooner or later the clicking will stop as the bug stops bouncing around trying to escape and eventually fries to death. i'm so tempted to get the ladder and try to save it. but it's a tricky light that isn't easy to take apart....plus....yes, the clicking has stopped. >shudder<

"sing me something my heart can use...misery loves a symphony" - ben harper

huge day which started out horrible, but got lots better as time went on, then it was fantastic, and then it ended on a funny note.

and i get to wear red for the wedding :) :) :)

"oh no...what's this...a spiderweb and it's me in the middle" - coldplay

tonight at homegroup we all got given blank books to journal things over the next few weeks; we're starting a new topic/study and they thought it would be good to give us something to record stuff in. they started passing the books around to everybody, and i was thinking they'd be the typical supermarket-bought, spiral, thin cardboard cover, a5, lined notebook. no no no. i'm now the proud owner of a fully-bound (is that a term? i just mean no spiral or staple or whatever...it's like a proper book), hard-back, velvet-covered creation in rich burgundy, with 'sketchbook' embossed elegantly on the front. inside there's quality blank paper. it's beautiful. almost too beautiful for a pre-bought homegroup journal. for a second there i'd forgotten i lived on the north shore...

location stigma is such a bizarre thing. i'd never consider myself a 'north shore' person, based upon the reputation it sometimes has (rich, refined and reserved.....me and my family are none of those!). if i grew up here then i might not be as aware of it, and i may well be a 'typical' north shore-ean without even realising. but i spent my first 18 years in the northern beaches, and though i probably don't interact with my new community enough to really understand it or be a good judge of it, from my own experience the beaches were more generally more 'young' and relaxed. i think they're quite different places. not so much in how they look; just the people who are around (or not around...that's one difference actually - around here you don't have the same pathway-activity you do around belrose. i always used to see people walking, jogging, kids riding bikes, riding skateboards down the road, loitering around in big groups...but nobody seems to go outside here. and the few people that do are all over 40, and mostly walking to/from a station around peak hour. there doesn't seem to be much walk-around-for-the-hell-of-it kinda thing. do they like the sun? do they exercise? maybe they all belong to private gyms. or maybe they play polo, i'm not sure. i don't actually care all that much either...but it was worth the observation) and the general 'feel' of the area. when we first moved here i got a job at a local cafe, without realising that it sort of had this reputation as being a bit snobby. working there exposed me to my first north shore-eans. people who had lots of money (which did have it's good points, in regards to the tip jar...), kids in private schools who came in after school and ordered macciatos, silly little dogs whose owners insisted we give them something posh to nibble, lots of scary groups of scary women who thought everything was either 'gorgeous' or 'ludicrous', large men who oozed with money and excessive body fat, babies in designer clothes, and of course the top-of-the-range yuppie variety. i value the experience but i didn't love working there. the whole place just had this 'attitude' about it that was different to anything i'd experienced on the beaches. (should clarify for anyone who isn't familiar with sydney...'northern beaches' is an area that includes actual beaches but doesn't consist soley of them. i'm not talking about beachside culture here. that's within the northern beaches but different again from where i lived, which was 15minutues away, although more similar than the north shore...oh how confusing) even the shops near the cafe were so different to what i was used to. there's these ridiculously expensive boutiques that nobody goes in which i'll never understand. i don't know why they exist. all the people in there do is stroll around rearranging cashmere scarves and talking on the phone to their friends who are probably doing the same. then they say 'thanks darling' when waitresses like me used to bring in their open salmon sandwich and latte. what a strange existence. through my new church and homegroup i also now know lots of people who are studying/practicing either law, finance or economics, which i certainly didn't before. it's bizarre. especially the law thing. i don't think i knew anybody who was seriously considering going into law before i moved here. tonight there was also conversations about (the stupid amounts of) money spent on cars and personalised number plates. i also had tea. which is quite normal, but i'm not used to standing up with a cup and saucer unless it's taking it to a table for somebody else. its so awkward. you have to 'sip' and whenever you put the cup down it makes that annoying posh 'clink' that china always makes. you feel like you're from some old-fashioned novel and should be making polite comments about cousin margaret's frock. it just feels silly. i think i ended up swinging the cup around my finger when i'd finished and drumming the saucer against my hip to some rhythm in my head. probably very uncivilised, but such is me i guess. wouldn't it be a blast to go to a full-on fancy restaurant and see how many silly low-status things we can do...what a cack that would be. who's up for it!!

we had kindi-farm at work this morning. i think i was more excited than the kids were. one day i'm gonna have a party and get kindi-farm to come along.

yesterday i managed to get on the nerves of about 4 different people. who knows, maybe it was a lot more than that, but that was the number i was aware of and that was plenty. obviously i didn't mean to. i don't know how it happened. i feel terrible now. just waiting for that sun to come up...

"and i keep thinking tomorrow is coming today...so i am endlessly waiting" - counting crows