marmalade dreaming

Saturday, June 26, 2004

forget that last post. i mean it was over 10 days ago, so it's probably been forgotten already. just that i discovered i'm a bit of a blonde and realised that the links i was whinging about are on my computer only, not visible to everybody else. so never mind. all is well.

an icecream truck is doing the rounds near my house. icecream trucks are supposed to sound fun and fantastical and cutely mysterious...at least i think so...but this one sounds so sad...like lady greensleeves is just trudging along, dragging her heels, so over the fact that she's supposed to be cheerful and has got the impossible task of convincing people that they want to buy expensive icecream on a freezing cold afternoon in winter. i wouldn't be at all surprised if icecream truck drivers all go insane at one point or another.

until last week, i assumed it was a normal, usual, standard thing for everybody to go the dentist once a year for a checkup. i was proven wrong, when i got numerous suprised comments about my annual visit which was last tuesday. people were shocked that i voluntarily made an appointment to have someone inspect my teeth. people were telling me how long it had been since they went to the dentist, and it was my turn to be shocked. i know they get a bad wrap because they get associated with pain and bad-tasting green stuff, but dentists really are there to help. and if you keep getting checked up, then the chance of something going wrong and thus the chance of having a painful experience is reduced. i could be wrong, but maybe the reason i haven't had hardly any problems with my teeth (and this is actual tooth stuff...not alignment stuff, as i did have braces - it's just the teenage thing to do) is because my dentist has been keeping an eye on me all these years. makes sense to me. and he's a lovely chap too, that probably makes a real difference. anyway.

i think i've said it before, but being backstage, or in the wings, is seriously the most exciting place to be. such a rush. actually performing is more variable in it's excitement factor. i get too nervous too often. but hanging out there amongst curtains and lights and ropes and clipboards and props and forgotten hairpins and people saying 'shhh'...what a cool thing. i was in our highschool's anniversary season of performing arts the other weekend and it was a total trip down memory lane. being happy to chat with people i hadn't talked to in ages, being shocked to discover how people i remember as incy-wincy year 7's have grown into big tall guys with facial hair, being depressed at the fact that even some of the current incy-wincy yr 7's are taller than me, and of course being excited to play dress-ups and go through other pre-show fun. this was that dance i was bit worried about, the one from chicago. my costume was fine in the end. my performance sucked majorly but all in all in was a good night.

the day after, woke up bright and early to go on a city adventure with some teenagers from my church. it was a bit of a youth group outing and they were short on leaders, so i got to go along. we got cityhopper tickets, the ones that let you have free unlimited travel around sydney for a day. mad fun, and good value too if you make the most of it. i did manage to get a child's ticket, but even the normal price works out cheap i think. we hopped around the city to our hearts content, and jolly times were had by everyone. there were, however, a fair number of height jokes. i'm honestly not that short. really. anyway, they're such a great bunch of people. most of them were around 15/16years, and i couldn't help trying to set half of them up with other 15/16yr olds i know. only in my head though - i wasn't talking to them about it. i was only half-serious, but maybe it's not a good thing to be doing. oh but it's fun! actually, i wasn't even half-serious. it was more just a case where you think, 'oh! they're super. oh! and that other person is super as well. oh! they'd be perfect!'...funny how sometimes you simply assume people will be nice together simply coz you think they're both...nice. if i put more thought into it, i still think there'd be at least one possible couple. but, i should probably refrain from doing so and just mind my own business.

my sister keeps calling when i'm out. and viceversa. silly.

had a meeting on monday which went really well. we were buzzing with ideas and getting all excited and ready to go. found out the next day that the thing we were meeting about was no longer happening, which was a little disappointing, but understandable, and it's still probably good that we had the meeting, coz maybe we can channel some of that excitement and creativity into whatever happens instead. it was also good because if we hadn't met up, then i wouldn't have been inspired to go to the dance class i went to on monday night in the city. smashing good fun that was. i'd had a great time adventuring with the youth group the day before, but i love going on adventures by myself as well. didn't really know where the place was, but had left enough time (for a change) to get lost so it wasn't an issue that i wandered around circular quay confused and clueless for a while before finally finding it. good class it was too. fun fun fun. aside from fun-ness, it was just good to be 'doing' something again. the last few months, while hectic in some ways, have been totally lazy in lots of other ways, so it was good to be off my bum and doing some decent exercise. it really does release endorphins - felt on top of the world afterward. went to another class somewhere else on wednesday night and it had the same effect, even though it was much more casual and less intense. a friend and i were talking about it afterwards...how things like dancing or playing music or surfing or drawing or whatever, is on one hand something you put emotion into, but on the other hand is something you escape within. maybe they're the same thing...i don't know. can't explain it. whatever it is, it's cool.

the third city outing for the week was to glebe to see a couple of bands. chilling out with some pals in a cute little pub/hotel thing in a corner of the city as yet unexplored by most of us, being silly with prank calls and being reassured just how bad i am at pool, set against the backdrop of some great live music and damn good guitar solos...another swell night.

went to the factory outlet stores at liverpool with a friend. the plan was to hang out with this friend who i hadn't seen in ages and have a good catch up, and watch her shop, as she's rather good at it. but i ended up being a bit good at it as well. damn. i mean it was another really fun day, but tinged with the ugliness of a smaller bank account. bit of a worry...then again, if we all had less money then we'd probably have less to worry about. maybe? who knows. oh sod it...money shmoney. what a pain. i'm so over it. who cares. i don't endorse being silly with it, and i'm sure i sometimes am, and shouldn't be, but if god's blessed you with it then there's no point hoarding it away like a fragile treasure that's going to keep you smiling even when nothing else does, expecting it to satisfy you and immortalise you and assure you and be more than the paper (plastic? whatever it's made out of) it is. what a waste. if only we were all more generous. why should there be an 'if only'? sod that too.

"you only live twice or so it seems...one life for yourself and one for your dreams" - coldplay

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

also...lately there's sometimes words in my posts that are being made into links, but not by me. not sure what's going on but don't click on them. it'll only end in tears. actually it probably won't, not unless advertising makes you cry. which it might, i don't know. basically, ignore them.

"all the blue light reflections that colour my mind when i sleep...and the lovesick rejections that accompany the company i keep" - counting crows



feel like an only child and i'm not sure i like it.

ok, this first mother of a paragraph is all about the wedding. just thought i'd warn you...in case you're male or otherwise not interested. it was meant to be a short recap, but i got tremendously carried away. sorry. i spose it makes up for the lack of posting lately...

my sister's wedding was surreal. it was just so quick, so perfect and so beautiful...so special that it feels like a world away. the weirdness begun at the wedding rehearsal the night before. practising walking down the aisle was so bizarre. i'd mastered the stilletos by that stage so it was just a matter of working out timing. it's amazing how many things like that go on in a wedding that need to be worked out beforehand but that nobody else really notices unless they go horribly wrong. had a shocker of a sleep that night. couldn't stop tossing and turning and trying to think about not thinking. woke up a couple of hours later, surprisingly refreshed, had a very early breakfast while watching the 'vicar of dibley', and soon after the hair and makeup ladies arrived. they were super nice. can't say i've ever had my hair fussed over at that time of day before. call me a girl (coz i am one), but having your hair done properly is so much fun. and one of the few good things about having my hair is that hairdresses tend to like me. all she had to do was separate the curls and pin them up. she did use a curling wand for the front bits on my face though, which were a bit loose ringlet-ish. i've never had my face fussed over full stop, so that was weird. it's nice to know that you're in the hands of a professional sometimes. not literally. she wasn't giving me a cuddle or anything. just...you know. she gave me some tips about stage makeup, which will hopefully come in handy next time we perform. actually...come to think of it...i forgotten what she said. but it was nice of her to help anyway. mr photographer arrived as we were still getting ready. he told us to ignore him. that's a fair enough call, and i understand that that's the way he's gonna capture all those candid moments that are often the best shots, but it's actually quite difficult to ignore a strange man holding a big camera who is scampering around your house while you're trying to check your makeup and find your top and paint your nails for the third time because you keep ruining them before they dry. he was super nice though. even when he was doing things i wasn't enjoying, like standing 3 feet away from me and telling me to look over to the side, naturally, while he click clicked away. i felt soooo uncomfortable. it's bad enough when people just make a point of 'looking' at you for an extended time, because they know it annoys you. that makes me nervous. but when you bring a camera into the equation it's 10 times worse. shudder. once we were all ready and had had some photos in the backyard, we emerged from the front door to a small crowd of onlookers (friends from my parents church and some neighbours) who had gathered to wish my sister the best. on a side not, she is the best. anyhoo, then it was off to the church. the driver of our car was a good friend of the bride-to-be, which was kitten's pjs. that car drive was swell. i couldn't stop smiling. it was almost overwhleming, just how excited and happy i was for my big sister...it's hard to explain. and even though it wasn't even my 'big day' or whatever, and i was only a mere bridesmaid, i felt like a princess. it was a little hard not to, when you've been fussed over all morning, you're wearing a gorgeous dress and sparkling jewellery, you're holding a bouquet of beautiful fresh flowers, and are being chauffered along a main road in a super-swanky old-school jaguar. and if i felt like a princess, my sister must have felt pretty damn special. i'd imagine there were a few nerves there as well. although, the whole morning, and the whole day at that, was so relaxed. nobody was stressed out. well, if they were stressed out, they weren't showing it. i think that's a lot to do with the personalities of the people involved; sis and her boy are generally both very easy-going, which i think put all of us at ease as well. i mean really, your wedding day is the last day in the world you want to be stressed out on. you'd just want to enjoy it, not run around like a schizophrenic goose worrying about everything. i'm sure god had something to do with it too...peace was one of the many things he blessed us with. anyway, we got lots of friendly beeps and waves; kinda funny how other females would try and look inside the car to see the bride and what she was wearing etc, and how males just looked at the car. i've always got excited when i see wedding cars drive by, so it was amusing to be on the other side for a change. we pulled up outside the church after taking a few local detours to make sure we weren't early, started getting out of the cars, and that was when god decided he'd humble me and reassure me all in the one moment. see, i'd been secretly a bit petrified of stacking it while i was walking down the aisle. it just seemed like the kind of silly thing i might do. but as i was stepping out of the car, i didn't look where i was going, and bumped my head on one of the reserved parking signs that had been put up on the curbside. it wasn't even a soft, subtle, quiet tap; it was a hardcore 'thump' that most of the people who were sticky-beaking outside the church were lucky enough to witness. a couple of my friends had a good laugh. i was laughing as well, and trying to understand how i let something like a parking sign escape from my view, and wondering why it is that i'm often such a clutz at the most inappropriate moments, but in the midst of all that i also had this amazing sense of god saying something like 'remember that i'm the one in control of all this...enjoy my blessings...love your sister...and don't worry, you'll be fine'. i didn't worry about stacking it down the aisle anymore. anyway, as we waited out the back for the music to start, you'd think we'd be reassuring the woman in white and telling her she looked beautiful and all that, but she was actually the one reassuring us. it was so great seeing all those people as we walked down, all of them there to support my sister and her boy. you could feel the love, baby. it was also this reality-check-moment of 'hey...this is happening...like now...like wow'. the service went really quickly. having dad conduct part of the ceremony was great. i wonder what was going through his mind as he first of all walked his daughter down the aisle and then soon after led her in her vows to his soon-son-in-law. another ride in the jaguars took us to the park where we had photos. the weather could not have been better, trevor. the boys (as in the groomsmen) looked absolutely smashing, and were real gentlemen too. our drivers brought out champagne for us and i pretended i liked it for the sake of the merrymaking. photo fellow took many a happy snap. and these little kids came up and threw flower petals around us, on multiple occasions, which was so cute, but probably not so good for the plant they were destroying. then it was on to the next location where we took some photos with the cars. the photographer had this cute way of saying 'a bit of romance please', which was code for 'go on, kiss!'. i'm sure they'll make nice photos, but i was probably standing a bit too close a bit too many times to enjoy seeing my sister and her new husband having a snog. ah well. we arrived at the reception place and hung out in our own little room for a while, while the guests were chilling out next door. someone bought in a tray of finger food for us, which we all looked at for a moment then attacked. us bridesmaids hadn't eaten since breakfast much earlier that morning and were absolutely starving. then it was time to make our entrances and for the newly-weds to cut the cake. more photos followed outside with families and friends; we were sneaking mouthfuls of anything and everything inbetween shots. it's a quaint thing to be dressed up all swish and totally stuffing your face. though the weather had been terrific, by this stage it was starting to cool down a bit, and you really notice things like that when you're wearing a strapless, criss-cross-back top. shiver. there isn't usually happy mediums with wedding attire is there. the girls are usually on the less-fabric side, while the guys are usually in layers of suit stuff. hmmm. anyway, back inside there was mingling and chatting and speeches and dancing. a few of us had prepared an item as a sort of farewell. the first bit was just a bit of fun sillyness, but the second bit was this acapella arrangement of this irish blessing (may the road rise to meet you yada yada...really beautiful). we enjoyed doing it, but i could tell it meant something to my sister, and that's what really mattered. then it was time to say goodbye. all this time i'd been on such a high and although i was also quite emotional, i hadn't shed a tear. but as i walked over to give them both hugs, i started to lose it. of course i'll still see her, of course she'll still be my sister, and of course i was so incredibly happy for the two of them, but it's still such a sad, difficult thing to say goodbye. we all followed them outside, where some friends of the groom had got creative with the getaway car, and waved them off. suddenly everything shrunk and deflated and seemed pointless and tacky. i hid in our little back room and cried my eyes out. eventually we left, leaving behind a big, quiet empty room that only an hour ago was bubbling and pleasantly crowded. i had nothng to say as i walked out the door with my parents, holding 2 bouquets, mine and my sister's. i got changed in the car as my parents drove me over to a friend's place. home was the last place i wanted to be. my friend was the bestest, and took me to a local fair to cheer me up. we went on a couple of rides and laughed ourselves silly, partly at the fact that although we were the oldest 'kids' there, we were making the most noise. then we crashed a boys night that some male friends were having, joining them as they watched a romantic comedy (so THAT's what they do when we're not around...). by this stage i was completely knackered, and almost fell asleep on a cushion in front of the heater. how very house-cat of me. went back to my friend's place where i fell asleep while typing an sms, apparently. i'd expected to look like a hung-over panda the next morning, but suprisingly neither the makeup or hairstyle had budged. now that's quality. to think i'd been paranoid about it fading and falling out during the photos. dad picked me up and talked the whole way home while i sat there yawning and agreeing with everything. was still so tired and out of it. had to go help with a church thing soon after i got home (normally something i'd enjoy but at that point in time was the last thing i wanted to do) so it wasn't till the next day that i had a decent think and a breather. and that's it. i can't beleive it's only just over a week since it all happened. we've got some of our photos back, but i can't wait to see the proper ones. more than that i can't wait to see my sister and my new brother. shake it!!

went down to wollongong on the weekend. had a swell time. i never realised how nice a place it was. you look one way and you've got the beach, then look the other way and there's a mountain. beach, mountain. beach, mountain. beach, mountain. 2 geographical extremes in the one locality. what fun! the car trip down was super duper. you know how there's some people who you can just talk about absolutely anything with and not feel like a dingbat? what a great blessing that is. the cousin of the friend i went down with had offered to put us up for the night in his matchbox of a room at the uni accomodation. although i'm sure they have their downsides, uni dorms look like so much fun. a neighbour of his who was staying somewhere else that night then offered us her room, which was slightly bigger and could also fit our other 2 friends who were arriving later. how nice is that! shows of genuine human kindness like that never cease to make me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. there is hope afterall. the cousin then dropped us off in the city center where we were going to see a band play. we hung around outside for a bit, making uneducated observations about the locals (although maybe an educated observation isn't an observation at all? who knows), then went inside and had some laughs regarding potentially funny situations in a seated crowd setting, and then finally saw the show, which was smashing. top stuff. i wonder who we'd all be if music wasn't created? the friend and i then took ourselves on a walking tour of the surrounding area. we played on sculptures, frolicked along the beach, disturbed some dates up around a lighthouse, discovered that some of us have a better sense of direction than others of us...all in all a very good evening. a very good weekend at that.

"oh apologies...no apologies...this apology doesn't describe the way it feels to feel for you" - counting crows

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

for the record, i've started about 6 posts since my last one, but each time, i get distracted or forget and always end up losing them. so there. and i've come across all these great lyrics that i've wanted to put up too. all in good time i spose...

stuff the rollercoaster analogy; my emotions have been on an international theme park tour the last few weeks. crazy stuff. but i have no doubt it's all helping me in some way even if it's nothing but confusing and frustrating and worrying in another. hmmm.

i buffed my nails earlier and they look so damn shiny.

this dance we're doing at the moment is to a song from 'chicago', so naturally it's a little on the raunchy side. not so much the choreography, just the feel of it and the costumes especially. it's a bit tricky, coz i want (and need) to fit in with how everybody else looks, but at the same time i don't want to look like a hooker if i don't need to. it's a similar fine line that christian actors would face; they might not want to compromise their values, but on the other hand might not be able to 'succeed' and stretch themselves as artists if they only play the 'clean' roles. then again, that would depend on how you define 'clean'. but who knows.

the other day a bunch of us went to lunch in manly to celebrate a friend's birthday. she's getting so old. i don't want to turn 20. for all it's adolescence crap and negative media coverage, i still quite like being a teenager. anyway, lunch was great. much fun and sillyness was had, including some pigeon-kicking (i didn't partake in that, and no pigeons were harmed, it was more just multiple attempts...but it was still pretty funny). how good is icecream. so many times in the last few weeks i've made the decision to stop eating so much junk and do more exercise, but then i always end up making other decisions that overule the first one. it's annoying. see on one hand, i should really start eating better and get into some good habits now for when my metabolism slows down. but on the other, it's almost like i may as well make the most of having a fairly high one now and just enjoy the fact that at the moment i can eat a lot of junk and not suffer from it. tough choice. we bumped into some friends from highschool while we were there which made me realise how much can happen, and not happen, in a couple of years. was good to see them.

finally saw 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'. a beautiful name for a beautiful movie.

we did some filming of our own on the weekend for some church stuff. it was a blast. the lowpoint was probably waiting around for the camera to charge in the midst of the carwash scene; barefoot and freshly splashed from our waterfight in a shady driveway on a late afternoon in autumn...it was a bit (a lot) freezing. but still amusing. it took a million takes to get a shot of a couple of us giving a death stare to this guy. he was out of the shot, and needless to say had fun trying to make it as hard as possible for us to keep a straight face. i think every experience i've had of doing home video/film stuff has been a hilarious and positive one. so many laughs. isn't that swell? what a cool blessing cameras can be.

the wedding thing has finally hit me for real. actually, it hit me for real last friday as well. and a couple of times since. it's happening in waves. last friday was the 'oh my goodness my sister's moving away' wave. the night before there'd been some boxes around the place, then when i got home from work the next day her room had been emptied and there was a van out the front with all her furniture and most of her stuff. weird. tonight was the 'there's a wedding on saturday' wave. i'm officially freaked out. and also really really excited about the day. the kind of fidgety excitement a 7year old gets when they're on the way to the circus. ah, the circus. some aspects of it just seem so seedy and wrong and sad and even sinister. but then there's also this beautiful, magical, totally special thing about the concept of getting a whole bunch of freaks and and animals and colours (i mean freaks in the talented sense, and i know there's a whole debate about animals in the circus...not wanting to get into that right now) together in a tent and making people smile. i had the conventional childhood dream of running away and joining the circus. i used to play on the swings in the park behind our house, doing all these tricks that me and my sister had made up (some of them were actually good...i still pull one or two off whenever i get on a swing...which, incindentally, isn't nearly enough. there should be more big swing sets around i think.), hoping that by chance somebody from a faraway circus would be out on a stroll and spot me and ask me to come and join the troupe. sigh. actually, all those recent sort-of-circus-like shows like 'de la guarda' (heck, how do you spell that?) look pretty damn cool. obviously i'm a total music fan and always will be, but i mean you hear bands on the radio, see them at venues, watch them on tv, find them on the internet, blah blah blah, but you don't really see quality circus-type stuff anywhere but a circus-type event, so it's pretty special. anyway - my sister is getting married. nearly cried during dinner when i heard the walk-in music being played in the next room. i can't imagine what her and my future brother-in-law are feeling right now. this morning our family went out for breakfast, kind of the last thing we'd do with just the 4 of us. not that we do much together anyway. it was nice. family meals at home aren't always the happiest occasions so it was refreshing to be somewhere else and for a special purpose. and i think fruit salad with yoghurt always tastes the best when you're at an outdoor cafe. it just works.

realising again just how easily persuaded i can be. i keep letting sales people talk me into things. it's getting silly. it comes from a good place though; i love talking to strangers. the shop assistant and i will start conversing and get friendly and it's all lovely...but then my guards are down, and then they know that they have the power to sell me something because they are no longer just a sales person, they are now my friend. and it's not as simple as just learning to say 'no' a bit more. i can say no quite easily. so long as i haven't connected with the person emotionally, which is usually what ends up happening in some small, subtle, and completely unconscious way. but there's no way i'm gonna not talk to them. that would be silly, especially in a small-shop-few-customers situation. as if you're not going to say anything when it's just you, them, and a whole lot of shoes. but then if we talk too much then sometimes i feel bad for not making a purchase. silly. communication without the persuasion, that's what we need. it's a tricky business.

driving home from work this afternoon and an old favourite came on the radio just as i was about to turn into our street, so naturally i just kept on going straight. it's always a fun exercise determining just how far you need to drive so the song finishes just as you arrive home. i'm not very good at it because i have little concept of distance and speed and all that, but it's fun all the same. this time i miscalculated hugely but the next song after my favourite was alright too so it worked out fine. lucky.

last week i was the victim of the innocent yet inappropriate curiousity of 2 of my favourite boys at work. but i still love it there. but, i also need to get another job.

started choreo for this new piece i'm hopefully working on...although i still need the go-ahead from miss creative director. it's from the 'honey' soundtrack and it's a little cheesy, a lot plastic r&b pop, but kinda cute. ideas are flowing so well. maybe that's because i've been so up and down lately. i'm often at my most creative when i'm moody. not so much moody as in agitated, but moody as in...um...lots of moods i guess. polymoody.

"when i'm by myself...nobody else can say goodbye" - i can't remember who the song is by but i know if i go to my room to find out then i'll probably forget to come back.