today has been so sleepy. took the day off work as i was feeling pretty terrible this morning, and have literally been snoozing on and off since 7am. i'm praying it's not the return of glandular fever. not really in the mood.

annoying: wanting to study something, but getting scared because i don't know how to do that thing, which is silly because that's the whole point of studying it. grrr.

'overthrow me, and bend your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new...but i am betrothed unto your enemy - divorce me, untie or break that knot again, take me to you, imprison me...for i, unless you enthrall me, never shall be free' - from a poem on the wall in dad's study. i like being in dad's study. it's a beautiful blend of familiarity with the surroundings (various photos, furniture, model planes, leunig and far side cartoons etc) and of infinite potential, that i think comes from all the books. so many words, ideas, advice, wisdom, prayers, essays, meditations, commentaries, reflections, challenges...all these tools that can God can use to change people. i always get inspired in here. and there's been more than a few theological discussions in here too, with dad. i'm usually left feeling both small and brave. small because there's so much i don't understand, and a lot i never will. but brave because in realising just how huge, complex, and incredible God is, knowing that he's looking after me is so inspiring. a friend made a comment the other day about how church leaders are always getting excited about new books, so they go and buy them, read a couple of chapters but never get around to finishing them, which is why pastors always have enormous amounts of intelligent looking books in their offices. i just asked my dad if that's true. he grinned.

"step outside the life you know...make a choice or leave me here...hang on to what we have made...you'll only find me waiting for you" - heard that a while ago

"i have no language to paint the anguish of my soul" - just heard that from the tv downstairs. not sure what show it was or who said it. nice though.

some things that are always exciting:
- holding babies
- postage stamp booklets
- fabric
- finding treasures in bargain bins
- the doorbell ringing
- re-decorating your bedroom
- discovering new fonts on a different computer
- hearing a hidden track for the first time

some things that are exciting for about a week:
- ordering stationary
- new mousepads
- mulitple daily journeys in the lift
- chilled water dispensers
- buying lunch
- having a work email
- mastering the switchboard
- being employed full time...although if it was a job you loved then i guess it would retain some form of excitement, or at least satisfaction.

i'm not going to bother making up an excuse for neglecting my blog for over 3 months. let's just acknowledge i've been careless and busy and move on. stuff has happened. things have ended. new beginnings have begun. canoes have been paddled. thoughts have been thought (almost wrote 'thunk'...it's a lot more fun). but all of that will remain undocumented here and instead will go straight to the 'uncut' edition not available to the public. unless it gets leaked via sms and turns into a big scandal, and then i'm offered a role on a reality tv show and then pursue a singing career before a stint in the movies...and then i'll publish those previously undocumented thoughts in my official autobiography if you haven't already had the chance to see them. the future is bright.

denial is far too easy.

"i was too weak to give in...too strong to loose...my heart is under arrest again" - foo fighters